Autistic Inertia

I get stuck. If life is a melody playing on a vinyl record, me getting stuck is like the needle getting caught on a scratch and repeating the same note over and over interminably. I’m stuck and I have no idea how to get unstuck. I mention I am stuck, and well meaning people say, “oh, that sounds like depression.” But I was not depressed when I initially got stuck; I was following the path I had mapped out mentally, merrily proceeding forward with optimism, until an unforeseen circumstance made me unable to progress further down my path. Like a video game where you can’t advance to the next challenge without passing each checkpoint, I am sitting here stuck because the checkpoint is blocked by a glitch in the programming. I wasn’t depressed until weeks of sitting here stuck in stasis created a sense of helplessness, anxiety, and despair because I cannot proceed. Getting stuck is not depression. Getting stuck is autistic inertia. Autistic Inertia as defined by Tanea Paterson in her article “Using the Maori Creation Story to Navigate Autistic Inertia” is as follows: “Symptoms of autistic inertia include difficulties “getting started”, getting one’s body in motion and adjusting movements to rapidly changing surroundings. Some people also have difficulty performing a task before they have full understanding of what needs to be done and why. On the other hand, autistic inertia can also make it difficult to stop a task once engaged or someone may get “stuck” halfway through a movement or repeat an action indefinitely, as with stimming. Inertia also applies to a person’s hyper-focused attention, fixation or special interest.” I am stuck and unable to progress to complete the task I have begun. This is not depression. This is something entirely different. Depression is a consequence of being profoundly crushed by the force of my inertia as it presses against a seemingly immovable obstacle. I’m stuck until I can redirect my attention to the solution, or until I abandon my goals in despair. I hope that I will be able to redirect my attention. Sometimes I manage. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped between the Charybdis and Scylla of inertia and demand avoidance. I have to sail a narrow line between getting stuck, and pushing so hard to find a way forward that I create additional obstacles out of anxiety at the demand, increasing my inertia exponentially. Sometimes I wonder if autistic inertia is demand avoidance, subtly sabotaging my efforts. You don’t risk rejection or the shame of failure if you don’t even try. But I think the demand avoidance more often appears in the efforts to break free from inertia, a symptom of the anxiety that builds in the struggle to move beyond the obstacle that blocks progress. I need to get unstuck. I need time, space, and possibly even assistance, to introspect on what is truly playing a role in creating the obstacles that are preventing me from progressing forward. I need to be able to clearly see my problem to be able to troubleshoot solutions. I need clarity of thought to organize how I am going to implement my solutions. I need emotional and physical support from my trusted people to help me overcome the inertia and executive function fails, and to act. I don’t think I am alone in my struggles with autistic inertia. Do you struggle with it this way too? ( Link to Tanea Paterson’s article: https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/using-the-maori-creation-story-to-navigate-autistic-inertia/) Image from “The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh” released in 1977 by Disney